INTERVIEW WITH BRANDON NOVAK FROM HIS PENNSYLVANIA JAIL CELL

You may know Brandon Novak as Bam’s friend, the guy whose dick is always hanging out, licked asshole on the Howard Stern Show and wrote the book Dreamseller. What you might not know is that Brandon used to be a pro skater, getting picked up by Tony Hawk at an early age, touring the world with his idols and then getting addicted to heroin. Instead of skating at demos, he would be throwing up in the corner.

Since then Novak has been healthy, but still on and off the wagon, writing a book, starring in Jackass 3 & 3.5 and just generally being a self proclaimed scum with morals that are out the window – making him one of the most entertaining people ever. Currently incarcerated in Pennsylvania for forging a Xanax prescription, we were luckily able to exchange some old school snail mail letters with him.

What are the first 3 things you want to do once you get out?
Fuck my girlfriend, have several glasses of red wine (Merlot) and a sausage & pepperoni pizza from Domino’s.

Have you been seeing Minson (Brandon’s hallucinatory invisible friend) since you have been in jail and off Xanax?
Actually it’s funny you ask about Minson, I was just telling some people about him yesterday. When I first got here in February I was sent to solitary confinement. I was detoxing as usual and stuck in a cell. I could only have a bible, that was it. No TV, no commissary, no nothing for 60 days. It was HELL. While detoxing Minson made a few guest appearances, that was in March and April. So that was the last time Minson showed his face and hopefully the last.

What is the best thing to do to pass time in jail? Do you jerkoff alot?
I try to jerkoff at least once a day. Actually one day my celly caught me jerking off. He got pretty fucking mad… he said, “I’m feelin some kind of way right now,” that’s Philly slang for he was pissed the fuck off. But I didn’t give a fuck, fuck him. I had the C.O. remove him from my cell, then I finished. I also have been working on my second novel and I have a daily TV schedule I watch. Tonight is Law & Order, then Gossip Girl.

When asked before if you could hump anyone in the world, you said Osama Bin Laden. Now that he’s dead who would be your runner up?
Well I am really bummed I never got to meet and fuck Osama before his death, but I guess I’m forced to pick a runner up. I’d have to say president Obama as he’s the first black president and if it’s up to me he will be the first black president to have a gay affair. A win win!!

What are you the most proud of doing in your life up to this point?
I would have to say the two things I’m most proud of doing in my life so far would be overcoming of a heroin addiction and writing of my book “Dreamseller”.

What are some common myths about jail that aren’t true?
Well the first one that comes to mind is the age old saying, “Don’t drop the soap”. I must say gays are pretty much frowned upon in jail so if two dudes are fucking, it’s done undercover. It is true however that the food is absolute garbage.

What advice can you give for picking up chicks? Especially if they don’t live with Bam, don’t have a ton of money or aren’t a celebrity?
Well, I’d have to say the best advice I could give anyone is that confidence is key. No matter if you’re a celebrity or a trash truck driver. You must know and believe that the job you have is the best job in the fucking world and no one can do it better than you. Broads hate insecurity especially in their men. No matter if you come from Yale or jail, be confident and as the age old saying goes, “The world is your oyster,” literally.

What tricks do you think you could do if you stepped on a skateboard tomorrow?
Well my goto tricks are the same ones I could do today if I stepped on a board. On a Miniramp: Pivot to fakie, crooked grind, blunt to fakie, pivot to frontside 270 out, pivot grind to fakie, frontside 180 to noseblunt, frontside nose grind.

Are there things you want to definitely pursue or change when you get out?
Well yea, there definitely are some things I want to change and pursue. The first one is to stay off the prescription pills, cigarettes, and really just start being more of a dependable person all around.

What do you think of when you hear:
Baltimore – Heroin, Home, Nicole, Debbie, Mom, Bucky Lasek, Mandy + Diva!
Viagra – Don’t need it
17 Year Olds – Jail time
Ryan Sheckler – All the pussy he probably gets
Canada – Worthless + cold
Father – Crack, dead, pretty funny, ladies man
The Note – Donny is a fucking faggot, oh yeah, fuck Donny
Pres. Obama – We should fuck
Jenkem – Hot shit… literally

Last Words?
I want to thank my loving mother Pat Novak first and foremost. I also want to thank my beautiful girlfriend Abby. My best friend Bam, my manager Adam and friends who come visit me like Louie, Barback, my sister Kelly and Chad Ginsberg of CKY. Thanks to all my fans who have shown love and took some time to write me, you have no idea how much that has helped me do my time. Oh yeah, keep an eye out for my second novel but if you haven’t read my first one, pick it up “Dreamseller”. Until then…