For a while now, energy drinks sponsorships have been the best way for skateboarders to make a solid income while playing with a toy. All you need to do is sell your soul, move to Southern California, and wear a branded hat for the rest of your life.

And before anyone mentions any alcohol companies – I’m under 21 and I’m pretty sure my dad reads these articles so I’m going to hold off on commenting about booze for now.

Guayaki Yerba Mate

Being a natural remedy, you’d probably expect the Yerba Mate team to be filled with all-natural, vegan, homeschooled anti-vaxxers, but I just don’t feel like that’s right. Instead, I’ve noticed that most Yerba drinkers are in their early to mid 20s and beginning to accept that they’re never going pro, so they’re trying to put together one last “banging” homie video part.

The tall aluminum Yerba can bring them back to their younger days when they would go to the bar after skating all day, so really it’s just a “healthier” way to relive their youth. I think throwing a few Perma-Flow Bros onto the team would be a good start for Guayaki.

Snapple

There’s an age, probably about 30 years old, where people stop drinking Arizona and opt for the less flavorsome Snapple. This could be because their bodies can no longer handle the fake sugar and mystery chemicals found in Arizona, but it’s probably because they don’t want to look cheap and only pay 99 cents for their refreshment of choice.

I really don’t know who would skate for the Snapple skate team, to be honest. It would just feel like a knockoff of the Arizona team, which would be weird because Arizona isn’t exactly hailed for their impeccable style. People aren’t dying to knock them off and jack their shit.

Maybe some intellectual skaters would want to skate for Snapple. Mark Suciu and Walker Ryan would probably really enjoy the fact on the inside of the cap.

Aloe Garden Water

Tom Karangelov seems like he would be an aloe water kind of guy. He appears to be a normal guy from the outside, but there’s something about those monochrome outfits he wears that makes me believe he likes a little excitement in his life. Aloe water could be that little bit of excitement. It’s really just sweet water, but then it has these little bits of aloe. It’s a little funky, but it’s all good.

When I first bought aloe water, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I thought that it was going to be slimy and have the texture of drinking really wet peanut butter. I don’t know why I decided to try it, but I’m glad that I did because it was A1. The fictional version of Tom K in my head has good taste, confirmed.

Essentia Water

If Essentia ever started a skate team, they’d probably face the same criticisms as Cariuma. Water is the least core thing imaginable. Nobody has ever been hyped on water. Well, maybe Steve Berra has. Water brands probably make a lot of money.

Essentia tries to market its water like it’s a fancy tech product with more health benefits than the average water bottle. They seem to think that just because it has a higher price, people will believe it is a better product and will make us “perform” better, and maybe skate like Deedz and the rest of the Nordic skaters with endless steeze.

Nesquik Milk

If Nesquik just started sponsoring a bunch of little kids, it would be over for any full-sized skaters. Thanks to the milk in Nesquik they’d be hitting their growth spurts and landing NBDs before they’re even allowed to stay up past dinner.

This could be a big problem for the energy drink companies because they seem to love sponsoring kids as soon as they lose their first teeth. Nesquik’s introduction to the skate market would add some necessary competition that would hopefully only stand to benefit the kids and us, the fans.

Health-ade Kombucha

I feel Kombucha is for older pool skaters who buy it because their yoga teacher told them it would be good for their joints.

Maybe if there was a Kombucha brand that sponsored a bunch of older heads and brought them out of retirement, I’d be down for it. Imagine Omar Hassan, Steve Caballero, and Christian Hosoi filming a video in 2021 for some Whole Foods brand. I’m sending my thanks to The Olympics. Without them, such a crossover would have never been possible.

Perrier

The first member of the Perrier skate team should be Manuel Schenck. He can hold his own on a skateboard, but his main claim to fame is being the new Supreme pretty boy. Loafers, tailored pants, a silk shirt, slicked-back hair, and some Versace sunglasses are all you need to steal his look. He definitely drinks Perrier. Actually, he probably doesn’t drink it. He sips it.

He’d probably be joined by Blondey and the rest of the Thames crew. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Thames and Perrier collaborated and released a Perrier rugby shirt and knitted vest. I think that might be one of the few collabs that could be worse than the Sriracha x Emerica collab.

Words by: Justin the Intern
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