Skate parties can be a little bit like a middle school dance. There’s always insecurity in the air and people go to be seen, make some inside jokes with their clique and dip. Thankfully, Alltimers changed the formula up a bit, inviting a whole bunch of performers, freaks, impersonators and games for people to break the ice and celebrate their new shoe with Adidas. Here’s to hoping they’ll add a kissing booth or straight up speed dating at their next party or something. It’s cuffing season y’all!

When this chick took the main stage to demonstrate her sword swallowing abilities, people weren’t too impressed. But when she whipped out this WWI-era rifle and gobbled the entire barrel, the phones came out and people understood she wasn’t dicking around (giggity). Dudes in the room were either totally shook by her esophageal limberness or eager to ask what her Instagram handle was to “check out” later.

The practice of skate mags publishing photos of skateboarders doing tricks they didn’t actually land is a sensitive issue for most skaters. Coverage-wise, Tyshawn has a flawless skate career so far. We hate to ruin it by publishing this flick of Tyshawn right before he pulled a life altering double dribble, but we couldn’t resist. Better sell that Tyshawn stock while you still can!

After slamming the puck around the table blindly, this guy asked if we wanted to see his “jackhammer.” Before we could respond he jumped up and twirled around like a funky leprechaun. No one had the heart to tell him companies aren’t sponsoring breakdancers anymore.

In their most exclusive collaboration yet, Alltimers announced they would be next teaming up with God himself to bring us the most blessed shaped decks the world has ever known.

The party may have been a bit hectic but the lighting was on point. Blue and pink looks sexy on everyone. Remember, there’s a reason why Outkast made a whole song about the two colors.

Cairo Foster may be named after a place not far from the mighty pyramids, but when it comes to embanked skate obstacles, it’s no question Zered Bassett is the true pyramidic emperor.

It’s unfathomable how chinchillas ever trust humans anymore. When we’re not cooking them or torturing them for their soft fur, we’re bringing them to warehouse parties as interactive attractions. Sorry Crushburger, You were probably just admiring this creature’s beauty but it was too worried about being put on a waffle and eaten.

New York skate industry parties don’t really get swinging until JZ rolls through with his Arizona hat and luxury hood ornament necklace. But what were these two mad geniuses brainstorming? Having Max Palmer [right] sculpt a lifesize Arizona iced tea can skate obstacle? Debating the merits of long locks versus military buzz cuts? Or perhaps they’re just two strangers who were pressured into taking a photo. Probably that.

If you ever wondered why skate industry people are sometimes called “Heads” it’s because in order to survive in such a competitive industry, guys often end up eating others’ heads. The more Heads you eat, the higher your Head size and status grows. Judging by the size of Cairo Foster’s noggin he seems to have the biggest appetite, and he’s quite happy about the three little snacks he lined up for himself. But will he have room leftover for the Yankee fan on the far left?

Per the unwritten rules of party photos, shortly after this hot pic was taken, the mechanical bull sped up and tossed this young lady to an unflattering demise. Parties can be unfair like that, but real bulls can be so much more unfair.

Photos: Cole Giordano
Dumb captions: Nic Nootens & Ian Michna
Share this with some freaks on Facebook.
Report this as too gimmicky on Instagram.